What’s So Bad About Polygamy?

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10 Reasons Monogamy Is Impossible

No. 1. Madonna. She is working her way through the world’s male population, and I want to be ready when she gets to me.

No. 2. Most people agree that it’s impossible, so I must be right. According to David Barash, PhD, a University of Washington zoologist, and Judith Eve Lipton, a Redmond psychiatrist, coauthors of The Myth of Monogamy, monogamy is relatively rare in human societies. In study after study, Barash and Dr. Lipton write, researchers have overwhelmingly found that monogamous relations are more the exception than the rule.

No. 3. Almost all other animals think it’s impossible too. We now know, thanks to DNA fingerprinting, that many species once thought to be paragons of monogamous virtue are actually hard-core philanderers. Researching hundreds of creatures, ranging from orangutans to red-winged blackbirds to rats, Barash and Dr. Lipton found widespread evidence of infidelity. In all, they say, out of about 4,000 mammal species, only 3 percent form “reliable pair-bonds.”

No. 4. Have you ever just stood on a street corner and watched all the incredibly sexy women walk by, one after another after another? Black women, white women, brown women, Asian women, women from France and England and Germany and Ghana and Mongolia and Bogota, New Jersey…?

No. 5. If people are monogamous, the species could completely die out. It’s true, yo. Being slutty is the least you can do for mankind. Mating with multiple partners makes the species more genetically diverse and therefore more resistant to disease.

No. 6. It’s better for your prostate to ejaculate in or on the greatest variety of women. (Although I don’t have conclusive evidence to back this up, I know it intuitively.)

No. 7. Seriously, have you ever stood on a street corner and just watched the procession of succulent women saunter by? Hedge-fund managers, teachers, lawyers, doctors, engineers, curators, hookers, jockeys…

No. 8. The Declaration of Independence specifically guarantees the “pursuit of happiness,” which implicitly rules out monogamy.

No. 9. Seeing the exact same female body day after day for 10, 15, 20, 30 years can seriously damage your eyes.

No. 10. For God’s sake, .. think of all the different women out there — panting, moaning, groaning, screaming women. Don’t you crave every single part of them? Their feet, their armpits, the napes of their necks, their beautiful, mournful eyes? Monogamy? C’mon, man! Are you out of your f — king mind?

By Billy Goldberg, MD, with Mark Leyner, Best Life


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